Send me your resumes please!

Headline on tonight’s local news: “Local woman wins megabucks jackpot and plans to purchase mansion on Lake Las Vegas and six cars.”

This got me to thinking. What would I do with a megabucks jackpot?! It definitely wouldn’t be a mansion OR six new cars. Houses take waaaayyy lots of energy to clean (even with children doing their chores) and SIX cars? No. Gas is expensive lady. Not to mention tires and oil changes. No.

Hmmmm…..yes. I have ideas….wonderful ideas. Disclaimer…before I get the “You need to be thankful for what you have; You need to donate to charity; You need to not covet others speeches…..please. All of that is understood AND I am definitely a woman on her knees thanking Heavenly Father for all the above everyday and often every moment. I have a comedic mind. No woman should have more than one kid if they can’t find some comedy in their motherhood. Let’s face it….motherhood is funny…..ALL kinds of funny.

So…where is this fictional money going? It has to be fictional since I don’t gamble or buy lotto tickets. Insert Vegas resident joke here. I have several ideas about how my life could be easier or less troublesome.

1. My own personal hairdresser. YUP. I would love that “just leaving the hairdresser with my hair glossy and snipped” feeling everyday. I’d pay megabucks to have MY hairdresser “fix my do” every morning and then leave. The reality is I have a great color and cut that basically gets thrown back in the “mom ponytail” except on Sundays for church. Aren’t you church friends lucky?! Ali does her hair for ya’ll!!

Most mornings involve a kid hanging on my leg or needing breakfast for goodness sake! I’m sure I could glam out if I set the alarm thirty minutes earlier. Bwahahahahaha!!!

2. I’ll keep my ten year old Excursion. No problem. I just want someone to clean it OUT. OFTEN. Look…I’ve sent my kids to do it. I do it. Leith does it. It never stays clean. We literally live in that car. 

If you think that comments you say before having children won’t come back to bite you later than you are sadly mistaken. I sincerely apologize to ALL the Moody Elementary parents that I judged for having a messy car as I opened each door for those lovely babies to get in every afternoon in carpool. That former teacher now has a car worse than yours. I’m constantly screaming at the kids to “grab that water bottle/notebook/glove/candy wrapper” before it falls out when they open the door.

 And for those of you who say “I will NEVER let my kids eat in my car (cough cough Amy…)”, let’s see how quick you’ll be to hurl a McD French fry at a screaming toddler two rows back. Uh Huh. Let’s not forget to mention the sippy cup that used to have milk in it that has “cooked” under the seat for a week. Ummm…time to purchase a new sippy cup. Hello trash. Yes…a professional car cleaner is on the list.

3. I need a “laundry putter upper”. I don’t mind washing and drying clothes. It feels productive and when I throw those eight piles of clean laundry on the couch in the living room. It smells oh so fresh. Folding clothes isn’t so bad. I enlist a few kids to help and can catch a show or two……or three on the tube. The next step is where I LOSE my mind. It is a simple task. Pick up basket of folded laundry. Take folded laundry to specific area to be put away. Put laundry away in the right place. Nope. Nada. I hate it. I drop those eight baskets in their appropriate places and leave. I go AWOL. There is no other explanation other than I hate that part of the job. I, of course, have the older kids put their laundry away……unless they decide to simply pick out their clothes from the said baskets for a week until they are empty. I can’t judge. So I won’t. I definitely will pay high dollar for a “laundry putter upper”.

4. Grocery shopper is next on the list. I make lists. I think ahead and meal plan. Yet it never fails. One of two things happens every time I go to the store. I forget something obvious like bread, milk, or eggs, OR I get home and I feel like there is nothing I want to fix or eat. BAM. Just like that. I’ve spent two horrid hours at the store and another hour unloading to be left feeling hungry with nothing to curb the appetite. Let’s not forget about the looks I get when I go. YES I’m feeding an army. Yes I let my kids eat chocolate cheerios occasionally. Yes I know I’m holding the line up with my “certain way I put the groceries on the belt because heavy stuff goes first”!!  So…YES, I want a personal grocery shopper to deliver the goods and put them up each week.

Note to personal grocery shopper: Please make sure you hide the bag of Reese cups from the Martin children. I have a hiding place. It must be done in a quick and timely fashion after bringing into the house. These kids rummage through those bags as quick as a pig can slop a trough.

5. Last but not least, I need a personal book orator. I love books. Historical fiction of any sort just makes me fabulously happy. Problem….If I sit still or lay down to read I’m asleep and snoring in three minutes. This sleep deprived woman can’t stay awake to read a Facebook post much less a chapter of a book. So please…I will use my winnings on a lovely person to follow me around and read aloud….. (Must be able to read loud enough to mask little kids yelling “MOM”). For the record I’ve tried books on tape etc. I can’t pay enough attention to those. It’s just another method of auditory madness in my ear.

There it is……my fictional use of lottery winnings. I’m accepting applications for all of those interested in the jobs listed above. Send me your résumés ASAP….or better yet….come to Vegas for a visit. I hear there is an awesome yogurt place down the road that we can discuss those job requirements….. (after I put the kids to bed, of course.) J

Ali